


i look at your grave and hope i'll be alright

by aethkr



Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Minor Character Death, Rated T because death? idk ratings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-05-23 13:23:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14935082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aethkr/pseuds/aethkr
Summary: Saaya is falling but PoPiPa has her back.





	1. Segment A

**Author's Note:**

> Creator's Style: On (or Off, it won't heavily affect you)

_i. i can fix this_

 

It’s been months since Saaya joined. Months since she faced her fears and stood on the stage again. Months since her old band has moved on and supported her on a new chapter of her life. Months since she met Kasumi. Months since she joined Poppin’ Party.

But facing your fears doesn’t mean conquering. It’s standing in front of them and doing everything despite it. Courage, they call it. Facing your fears doesn’t mean winning the war, it means winning a one on one.

Saaya’s too kind. Too kind. All her friends know this, and they do their best to make sure Saaya is okay. Among the 5, she continues to carry the burden. She continues to shoulder the pain for the sake of making sure another doesn’t fall.

Saaya is kind.

Saaya is kind.

Saaya…she’s kind.

So, when her mother falls, she’ll be there to pick up the pieces. It’s a promise she’s made, although she never really said it out loud. Her friends watched as Saaya exhausts herself as she continues to do task after task. They would’ve helped. No, they _should’ve_ , Saaya is a friend. A bandmate. A classmate.

Because Saaya is also a teen. Because Saaya is human, and soon she too will break. In this world, everyone is a paper equipped with scissors. People can cut you how many times they want but you’ll try your best. It stings, it hurts, (god it hurts like _hell_ but Saaya tries anyway), but you do your best (to not cry) anyway.

(Times like these are when PoPiPa despise Saaya’s mentality)

“Woah…there so many people!” Kasumi was happy. There were screams of fans outside, almost a full house they realized. Rimi was talking to herself to calm down while Tae was talking to her pet rabbit. Apparently, he had to come to every live because, “it’s a gesture of decency”. No one disagreed. Arisa, well, she was being her tsundere self. Yelling at Kasumi because she was ‘fooling around too much’. Kasumi bounced everywhere, so you can’t really blame Arisa for trying to calm her friend down.

Saaya, she was on the phone, talking to her mother.

“It would’ve been nice if I was there…”

“You need to rest mom.”

“Yes, yes, I know. You worry too much about me.” Saaya laughed, she can’t deny that one. “I couldn’t bring your siblings there either, your dad has to run the shop and there are many customers today—”

“Dad’s taking care of them, right?”

“Saaya, don’t worry about me I’m fine! I’ll be able to—”

“Mom? Mom! ….Mom!” Saaya clutched her phone and tried not to cry. _Not now_. _Not now, god please not now. Not now_    _, not…_

Saaya forced herself to stay put, but she was too conflicted on what to do. “Saaya! Come on! The show’s about to start— Saaya?”

“I-I’m sorry. I have to go.”

She ran, and she ran. She knows her dad is there. She knows that her dad will take care of her. Tears ran down her face as everything she tried to keep up failed. She ran, and god does it burn. Her legs feel numb from running, the hospital isn’t too far from the venue but nevertheless, Saaya ran. She wanted to scream, scream at the herself.

Scream at herself because she left her friends behind, again.

Scream at herself because she wasn’t with her mom when she needed her most, again.

Scream at herself because she’s nothing but a mess. Nothing but a placeholder. She was _nothing_ but a girl who couldn’t do anything right.

~~(YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS)~~

 

Saaya Yamabuki was _nothing_ but a failure thought as a genius. Amazing, they called her.

It doesn’t mean much.

A text from Kasumi: It’s your mother, isn’t it? It’s okay Saaya, we have your back. We’ll just sub someone else in! Hopefully your mother will be okay! \o/

Sub…someone else? In?

Saaya, in the beginning, was a girl that fulfilled a dream that she thought would take longer to achieve. Saaya was an innocent girl who took care of her siblings and looked after her friends. Saaya was a child. A child who knew life wasn’t all sparkles and rainbows but trudged forward anyway.

Saaya, in the beginning… she was okay. She was fine.

She was happy.

Jun and Sana hugged her as soon as she stepped foot into the room. Her mother suffered a heart attack. The results of the attack were only let known to her father, who remained quiet throughout the stay. Tears tried to escape but Saaya had to stay strong. She must. She needs to, for her mother, for her father, for her siblings.

_~~For herself.~~ _

“Will Mama be okay…?” Sana tugged on Saaya’s skirt, snapping the girl out of her thoughts. “Mama will be okay right? Will she?”

Saaya’s thoughts were all over the place. Her mother, the person she tried so hard to make sure would be okay. Her mother, the person who cared for her from the beginning. Her mother, someone who loves her so much. Her mother, who is lying on her death bed. She, Saaya, was tense, she noticed. She relaxed and smiled. “Mom will be okay. She just overworked herself….b-but she’s always got better. Remember? Jun? Sana?”

“Yeah! Mom would never back down! She’s a fighter!” And just like that, both Jun and Sana’s tears disappeared. Saaya tried not to frown, she was happy how much effect her words had, but she was scared at how much impact it dealt.

Maybe the reason words can deal so much is because it’s the emotions behind them that truly do the talking.

Maybe the reason why the tears refuse to run is because they keep getting wiped away.

Maybe the reason Saaya tried not to cry was because, she couldn’t.

Maybe the reason they relied on her so much was because, Saaya was strong. She didn’t falter. She took some backsteps, but she always ran forward in the end.

She was Saaya Yamabuki. The strongest (Saaya tries to not cry to sleep at night) person _ever_ , in the eyes of her siblings, in the eyes of her friends, in the eyes of, everyone else.

But not her own.

 

She was Saaya Yamabuki.

She will fix this. She usually does.

 

She has her dad’s support. She has her siblings’ support. Her mother’s, her friends’. She has everyone’s support.

 

And even then, the glass breaks, and the water will spill.

 

It will spill not because it can’t take it anymore, but because it must escape. Water takes the shape of its container, but when there is nothing to hold it, all that’s left is a mess.

 

“I’ll be okay.”

 

* * *

 

_ii. let me fix this_

 

It doesn’t take a genius to know something’s wrong. Saaya’s troubled and everyone knows it.

“Saaya, are you okay?” Kasumi was the first to bring it up. They all saw it coming, including Saaya. “Ah! I never told you about the performance, but it went well! The sub was amazing! Not as amazing as you though.”

“Was she? How?” She would take anything as a distraction. She tried to not scowl, she should be at the hospital right now. But her mother requested that she go to school anyway. Studies are more important than her health anyway, she said. Saaya hated how her mother said that. She hates it, absolutely despises it.

“Saaya, you’re scowling.” Arisa was a bit intimidating when serious. Serious as in, actual serious. “Something’s wrong. Isn’t there?”

 _“Arisa!”_ She could hear Kasumi’s voice scolding Arisa’s. _“We spoke about this!”_

“It doesn’t matter when the girl herself doesn’t even want to admit it. Saaya?”

“Eh? N-Nothing’s wrong! I’m serious! My mom just collapsed again…but it was a bit more serious than the others. She won’t die though. I’m sure of it.” Saaya smiled, it left a bitter taste on everyone’s tongue.

“Are you sure?” Tae giving her a concerned look was already making her feel guilty about lying.

“I’m sure. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be back on my feet soon!” Saaya said, giving all of them a smile that they all knew and love. It was the same smile Saaya trained herself to perfect. It was useful in situations where she had to comfort her siblings. They obviously weren’t that concerned for the wellbeing of their mother, simply because they were kids. Although that didn’t exclude them from being worried when they witness their mother faint (on rare occasions) or have chest pain. It was her father and Saaya’s job to make sure the younger ones were okay.

_job  
_               noun

  * a responsibility or duty
  * a difficult task



 

Many weeks passed and Saaya still wasn’t okay. _Still_ , because nothing has changed, and it has been affecting their practices now. “Saaya, stop, for a bit. Please? You’re banging the drums too hard..” Rimi laughed nervously. Saaya smiled sheepishly. Arisa scowled. Of course! Saaya would always smile. The girl would smile in the face of tragedy. Whatever situation you put her in, she’ll continue to smile. That was Saaya, a girl who would never give in to negativity.

“Was I?”

“You should take a break. You’re still not okay.”

“W-Wait what? What are you talking about? I’m fine! Stop thinking I’m not! I’m a bit disturbed but I’m okay! Honest!”

“If you say so.”

 

It was only until they continued probing that Saaya broke.

“Saaya, why are your siblings saying that your mother was hospitalized?”

She tensed up. “And you said that she was okay?”

“A-Ah…they were lying.”

“No, they aren’t.” Rimi sounded different it caught her off guard. “You’re lying Saaya.”

“Stop it.” Saaya turned away, continuing to place bread in the , allowing customers to purchase them when the time arrives. “I don’t know what you’re talking—“

“I thought we talked about this, Saaya.” Saaya knew this tone before. It was disappointment. “Months ago, I told you to stop making decisions of everyone by yourself. We talked about this Saaya! We talked! Did you not learn anything from—“

“Stop it...” Saaya continued to face away from them. “Go away. Whatever my siblings say are a lie and you shouldn’t believe them.”

“Saaya…”

“My mom is _okay_.”

~~(Who are you trying to convince?~~

~~Tell us Saaya~~

~~Come on, tell them)~~ ~~~~

 

“She’s not!” Kasumi forced Saaya to face them.

She forced Saaya to face her fears again. Gone was her mask, shattered by the tears running down her face. Her breathing sporadic, showing how much she’s been trying to control herself. Kasumi withheld a gasp as Arisa held her hand. None of them wanted to hear another argument. None of them wanted—

_If it will force her to take another step, so be it._

“And what do you know?! All you’ve been telling me is to “cheer up, be happy, relax” but no! It’s not as simple as that! I get so worried Kasumi. So, so worried. She might die! I don’t want her to die—“

“Saaya she’s alive! Alive! It’s more than you could ever ask for!”

 “I want her to be okay! I want my mom to not be sickly anymore! Her being alive means nothing if she’ll keep getting hurt! She tells me to have fun, but I can’t! How do you have fun when she could die!?”

“Then have fun! You know what worries her Saaya? It’s when you sacrifice everything just to help her! You’re a child, a _child_! You have a future, you have dreams and aspirations! Your mother wants you to sparkle while she is still alive! She wants to see her daughter—youto shine! Like a star, no, like the sun! Saaya, you love playing the drums. You love being in a band. Your mother wants you to be happy. You keep smiling to show that your okay, but we know. We know, Saaya you practiced that smile and we trained ourselves to buy it. Why? It’s because we trust you.

“You’re not fooling anyone. You’re only hurting yourself. Stop it, please...”

 

“I can’t…”

 

Saaya wiped away her tears when she heard her phone ring. She answered.

 

In retrospect she wished she didn’t.

 

 

For once in her life Saaya had to pull herself together, even when no one else can’t. She had to stand up even when she’s been shot.

 

There is a difference between ‘want to’ and ‘had to’.

One meant that it was completely okay with them.

 

The other meant that they had to suck it up.

 

“I’ll fix this… I can fix this. ~~I can’t.~~ ”

 

With her mother dead because of a heart attack ~~(overwork, it pains Saaya to admit, that the woman she tried so hard to not tire, still died because of it)~~ , Saaya’s life crumbled.

~~Can she say that when she’s already being torn apart from the start?~~

 

In the face of tragedy, how do you react?

 ~~Saaya laughed. She laughed. Laughed until she dropped her phone and her stomach started to hurt.~~ “We’re so sorry for your loss—“

“O-Oh…” Saaya smiled to mask her pain, but it was different. She had her eyes open, and all they could see was her staring into their soul, like she was showing how envious she was. How envious she was that they still had a mother waiting for them when they come home.

She doesn’t need sympathy, for she knows when they go back, they’ll meet the person she has lost.

 

“Saaya, you need to rest. You’ve had a rough day. It’s okay, we’ll take over—”

 

“I’m okay. Don’t worry about me.”

 

“I’ll be okay.”

 

—

 

iii. i don’t need your help

 

“Jun? Sana? Are both of you okay?” Saaya brought her siblings with her to practice. The argument was always ever fresh on their minds. The chills they got when they watched their friend fight so desperately yet struggle. It was only figuratively Tae said, but it was like they can see when Saaya is about to fall. It was like they can see how much she needs help.

But Saaya is stubborn, and they don’t blame her. They’ll just be by her side when she falls. No, they won’t let her fall. They’ll catch her, like she has done to them.

“Mhm! We’re okay!” Sana sat on the stairs with a somber look on her face. Children were never that good at hiding their feelings, that much was obvious. Jun didn’t even try to walk around like he’d usually do or get embarrassed at being around his sister’s friends. The two just sat there, a longing expression filling their features.

“Tell me if anything goes wrong okay?” Saaya patted their head, for a second the two saw her as their mother. Jun cried. “Jun? Is there anything wrong?”

“You looked like mom for a second…” Jun hugged Saaya and it broke her heart. Jun wasn’t that expressive of his feelings. It wasn’t as if he held them in though, they say that Jun’s normal like that. “I want mom back! Please tell me she didn’t die! I don’t want her to die… I didn’t want her to die…”

She frowned, feeling PoPiPa’s stares on her. She held Jun’s hand, stopping him from crying. Sana looked like she was about to cry too, so Saaya also took her hand. “Both of you, look at me.

“Mom’s dead now. She’s not coming back, but I believe that she’ll always be watching over us until we join her. She’ll always be here.” Saaya placed their hands on their heart. “Mom’s in a better place now. She’s not suffering anymore. You know, I miss mom too, but it makes me happy that she won’t hurt herself anymore. Wasn’t that what we all wanted?”

“Y-yeah…but I still want her back!” They burst into tears. PoPiPa stayed silent. They would’ve helped, but it didn’t seem right. This was a situation only Saaya can handle, and they hated how it was that way.

They hated that they were forced to stand by.

They hated watching Saaya force herself to limits they know she can’t handle.

They hated how they couldn’t help their own friend.

And what’s worse, they hated how she wouldn’t let them help.

 

Saaya was a kind girl. She put others in front of herself. Kasumi thinks at least everyone has that attitude, but she couldn’t think of anyone who prioritizes others more than themselves more than Saaya does. Kindness runs in the family, she thinks. Although Jun was…quite the exception. He was though, through time, kind. He’s just like his sister, and so is Sana. Kasumi smiled, the Yamabuki family was and is built on kindness.

But sometimes, even what’s good can hurt them too.

Saaya always put up a brave front when around her siblings. Their father was doing some mourning of his own and because Saaya always made herself the lead when times got rough, he ended up relying on her too. It wasn’t a bad thing, honestly. For a man such as himself, it was relaxing to see him settle down and, let everything out.

Kasumi remembered when they argued months ago. It was when they discovered how much Saaya values others over herself. It was when they discovered her old band. It was when old memories were brought back to the surface. It was when Kasumi had a brilliant idea, and it worked. It worked. Saaya joined and everything’s gone well.

But when her mother died. God, Kasumi felt so disappointed. Although someone like her wasn’t really one to feel disappointed in others, she did. Choices that, when made without their opinion, will only hurt them in the end.

and it stings.

 

_Saaya stood outside the hospital, lightly clenching the ‘letter’ Kasumi sent her. It was filled with the lyrics of ‘Star Beat’. Her eyes were filled with tears, some having already escaped, even wetting the paper. She sobbed, not knowing how hard the lyrics would hit her._

_“Saaya?” The girl was surprised. She turned around and saw her mother—with her siblings at the back—looking at her. “Go.”_

_It was a request Saaya wanted to accept, but she didn’t want to. She shook her head, closing her eyes in the process, as if trying to hold back the tears that might come out._

_“You’re a kind person, Saaya.”_ _The next thing she knew was that her mother was walking towards her. “Kind to your mother, kind to others—“_

_She patted her head and ruffled her hair. Her mother’s hand was warm, comforting. Like how a mother should feel. “—but you should save some of that kindness for yourself.”_

_“I can’t…” Her mother’s hand moved to her shoulder. It was like she was convincing her. Supporting her. Encouraging her._

_“You can do it, Saaya.”_

_The knowing smile on her mother’s face said it all. “You’re not alone.”_

_Right, she isn’t alone. She has her father, her brother, her sister, her mother._

_And most of all, she has her friends. Saaya’s eyes widened at someone else holding her hand. It was Sana. She smiled, it was a bright one, resembling one full of joy and assurance. “Don’t worry. I’m here too!”_

_Jun took the other, and with his ever radiant smile, he said, “Me too!”_

_Her mother smiled. “See?”_

_Saaya took a deep breath and gave a small laugh. “I’m such a mess, aren’t I?”_

_“No, no, you aren’t.” Her mother, she was weak, you could see it in her eyes. Her pale skin and her deteriorating state. None of them know how much time she has left. Anemia wasn’t a big killer compared to cancer, but illnesses are illnesses. Her mother kept on fighting though, she stood up every time she fell. With her condition, it’s difficult. Every time she felt like a burden to her family. She felt like a nuisance, like she was only adding to a pile of stress._

_Her husband has had enough, focusing more on her than on the bakery. He has Saaya to help for that, but she could see how it makes him tired too._

_Her daughter, oh, her daughter. Saaya has done so much. Sacrificed so much. She sometimes cried to sleep thinking how many things her daughter stopped doing in order to care for her. She stopped playing the drums, and she stopped participating in anything that required most of her time. It made her mother feel guilty, and there was nothing she could do to stop it._

_If she were to die, she’d die happy. Happy, that she will not be a burden anymore. But also happy, because that is what her family would’ve wanted. If she were to die, she’d die happy._

_It was less painful than being regretful._

_“You aren’t a mess. You’ll be okay._

_“You’re not alone.”_

_In a few months she’ll realize dying happy would only benefit herself, but seeing her daughter join a new band again and seeing her husband look less exhausted was enough for her._

_That was all she needed._

_Saaya’s mother closed her eyes._

 

_“Honey…if I die, I want to let you know that—_

_“—I’ll be okay.”_

 

_This time, the sound was continuous._

 

 


	2. v.

  1. and so we watched her fall



 

Is anyone ever aware that they’re broken? Are they aware that life that once looked so beautiful has become a grayscale? Saaya is, and it’s frustrating. She has had her fair share of disappointments. When you know that you could’ve done more, when you know that the view so colorful and bright was a few turns ahead, when the ‘bridge’ that you constructed carefully fails because you thought the supports were enough. It’s disappointing, but Saaya does her best.

 

(Even if her best is not enough, she still pushes forward. that’s what she’s been taught, and that’s what she will do)

 

The others watched (is that the only thing they know how to do these days?) as Saaya smiled through countless conversations that all consisted in others giving her condolences. One of them had a monologue prepared and a line that stuck out to Saaya was, “you’ll be okay”.

Will she?

She had to excuse herself to keep the tears in place. There’s just so much you can hold back before you can let go. For Saaya, the tears came first.

 

Next, was her sanity.

 

It didn’t take too long for it to happen either. Everyone could hear the exhaustion in her voice whenever she spoke, the dead movements she produced whenever she played the drums, the lackluster look in her eyes that were paired with longing one can’t fill so easily. The band didn’t see Saaya, but another version of her. They didn’t fear her, but they worried so much. Sometimes when you reach for the stars you remember how far they are, and it makes your hope diminish. They say that there is always light in darkness and there is always darkness in light.

All Saaya could see was the light closing its doors on her, then black.

 

Being in the darkness is different than seeing blackness. In the darkness there is always a shred of light you can cling unto to see. There is always a shred of hope among the haystack that allows you to continue wishing. In the darkness, you start from not seeing anything to slowly being able to recognize your surroundings, albeit not that much.

Seeing blackness is different. There’s nothing to see. It’s all pure guesses and hoping to god that you won’t fall. Walking through blackness is a matter of trusting yourself. It’s being capable of telling yourself that you’ll be okay even if you walk on forward. They forget, that humans are humans, and everyone makes mistakes. Everyone is different.

Saaya crushing herself under self-blame is one of them.

 

There were a thousand things hiding beneath Saaya’s smile. Her desperate wishes of her mother coming back, the pain of living everyday without her mother, the hopelessness she feels even when she does all she can. Saaya hoped for a better life some days, Saaya hoped for a better outcome, for a better path.

Amidst her pain, she has forgotten a crucial thing. Hoping isn’t enough to bring you back to your feet. Hoping wasn’t enough to bring back the smiles that used to grace your face. Hoping wasn’t enough to reach for the stars that never came to you. In order to achieve a dream, you must hope, and you must do. You must work hard to walk forward. Work hard to keep on pushing forward. And as life throws the most difficult of hurdles towards us, you have to learn how to stay put. You learn how to take a step back and solve your problems. You learn to understand that a journey isn’t always a happy one. You learn to do the best you can and because of it, you learn how to pull through.

Not everyone was a genius though. Not everything will return the effort you’ve worked hard for. Others will throw it back at you and take your results. No acknowledgement for anything else. It’s heart-breaking.

 

A question, Kasumi raises. What else hides behind her mask? Is there any light? When Kasumi first met Saaya, she always had her backpack with her. Always carrying it around with her, she didn’t know why Saaya did it, but she never questioned the girl. When Kasumi made her face her insecurities and fears did she stop bringing it along with her. It was like carrying a weight she could’ve just set down.

But then again, Kasumi never questioned her. It wasn’t her place to do so.

 

Isn’t it weird, how our brains are wired to browse different thoughts at different times. Isn’t it amazing, how our brains can switch from one thought to another. Isn’t it amazing how, even in the worst situations, we try our best to calm down? We are in a state of panic and self-doubt, a state where no one would want to be in, a state no one would wish to be in. Isn’t it astonishing, that even as the darkness reigns, we continue to light our candles?

Maybe that’s what makes humans so interesting. Our fire never ends and when it does, we find matches to ignite it again.

 

As condensed a summary this may be, Saaya’s candle was lit. Now, she doesn’t bear the death of her mother on her shoulder, but neither does she learns to move past it. She never really did, but what she can do is learn how to cope. A first step is better than none.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finished, and I'm lowkey disappointed :p


End file.
